Eli Apologizes for American Yankees

[I] want to formally apologize to the world for the part America has played in pushing women’s rights, gay rights, civil rights, egalitarianism, democracy, and all the other hallmarks of progressivism. We didn’t kill enough Yankees. That’s a mistake I hope we can someday rectify. But in the meantime, I’m deeply and sincerely sorry. We’ve done as much harm to the world with this crap as the French, the Russians, the English, or the Jews.  — Eli Harmon

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